“This is kind of a go-nowhere party, Ryan,” Logan said. “I don’t even know why you dragged me here.”
Ryan noticed a circle of empty space surrounding Logan. Beyond the circle, music played, couples danced to the low music, people were smiling and talking. Within, Logan stood alone next to the window. Ryan handed the solitary man a beer. “Because I hate going to parties by myself, and Vandra and Jim have never really gotten along. He supposedly said something or other about one of her friends.”
“What did Jim say?”
“I don’t remember.”
“And who’s Jim?”
“The guy whose birthday party this is. You met him when we arrived? You talked to him for twenty minutes about the Transformers cartoons?”
“Oh, him. Yeah, he’s OK.”
“Vandra doesn’t think so. She about threw a fit when I tried to get her to come with me.”
Logan sipped at his beer. “I don’t know why you sound so surprised..
“Come on. I’ve known Jim since high school. OK, so he’s not always exactly all that presentable or polite. You’d think she could make allowances. It’s not like I hang out with him all the time.”
Logan gazed at his friend with half a smile in his eyes. “Why would you think that she should make allowances like that?”
Ryan set his own beer down on the windowsill and spread his hands. “Well, Vandra and I have been together for two years. Why wouldn’t she accept, or at least tolerate, my friends? They don’t wipe their asses with her good towels, or bury the bodies of small children in the back yard.”
Logan said, “You’re making the mistake of thinking of her like she’s a normal person.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? I hope you’re not still on that Lady Gaga thing.”
“I just mean, you can’t apply the same standards to women as you can with normal people.”
“Uh, I hate to break this to you, but women are ‘normal people’ too.”
“You should pay more attention to the news, to the shakers and movers. That’s not actually true.”
“You make it sound like some kind of accepted fact.”
“It is a fact. It’s been proven.”
“‘Proven’!”
“Right. It’s been decided by the Supreme Court.”
Ryan spread his hands. “Let me get this straight. The Supreme Court ruled that Vandra is not a normal person. Uh huh. I see. Now when was that, exactly?”
“I think it was in late 2010 sometime.” Logan put a hand up in the sputtering face of Ryan. “OK, I grant you – I grant you, kiddo, that it wasn’t the whole Supreme Court. But Justice Antonin Scalia pointed out that, really, women are not people. Legally speaking, they are not people. Now, that’s just a fact. Unless you want to argue with the Constitution. Of the United States of America.”
“Now why would Scalia say such a thing? Probably just couldn’t get laid some night, and raved something in a drunken stupor. Anyway, isn’t he the one who argued that Jewish soldiers shouldn’t complain if their graves are marked with crosses? Now, that’s some kind of weird guy. And anyway, doesn’t the Constitution say something about all of us being created equal?”
“All men are created equal, you mean. And that’s from the Declaration of Independence, not the Constitution. And he says it because it’s a fact, and he says that fact because he’s not afraid of the liberal backlash.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t believe you.”
“It’s still true. He says it’s in, or isn’t in, the 14th Amendment.”
“Which one is that?”
“It’s the one that talks about people in the U.S., and about which people are citizens and persons and so on. And when that was written, women had like no rights like normal people, so the amendment doesn’t apply to them. You don’t have to believe me – Google Scalia, Google the 14th Amendment, you’ll see it all there. Well, if the amendment applies to all persons in the U.S., and if, as Scalia says, it doesn’t apply to women – well, then, they’re clearly not persons in any meaningful or useful sense of he word. Ipso facto.”
Ryan was quiet for a moment. He opened his mouth, then closed it again. “OK, I guess that’s a pretty logical argument,” he finally said. “And I guess the Supreme Court should know who’s a person and who isn’t. But I don’t know. Women not being people? That seems like a bit of a jump.”
“Hey, it’s not just the Constitution that points it out. Think of all those books, the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus kinds of things.”
“But men aren’t really from Mars.”
“Of course not! That’s only, like, an analogy. The point remains, irrefutably, that women are a kind of alien. It’s probably also why they use so much makeup. They may or may not come from Venus, per se, but they’re still aliens.”
“‘Aliens’? I don’t know.”
“And that’s why you have so much trouble understanding Sandra, and why she can’t understand you. Girls can’t even laugh at the Three Stooges. You know that? I mean it – they’re physically incapable!”
“Her name’s not Sandra. It’s Vandra.”
“‘Vandra’? Now, right there, you should have suspected something.”
Ryan brought his beer to his mouth, to find the can empty. He brought it to his lips again, then set it back on the windowsill.”Well, that’s a point.”
“Hey, just because they’re aliens doesn’t mean they can’t have a nice rack.”
“Then – what’s our deal? What’s our problem? I mean, we spend most of our lives chasing after these – these alien beings. There must be something wrong with us.”
“True, I guess. And that girl from Avatar was kind of hot,” Logan said. “Count your blessings. At least your Sandra doesn’t have a cat.”
—
Tim McDaniel teaches English as a Second Language at Green River College, not far from Seattle. His short stories, mostly comedic, have appeared in a number of SF/F magazines, including F&SF and Asimov’s. He lives with his wife, dog, and cat, and his collection of plastic dinosaurs is the envy of all who encounter it.
