Decommissioning by Ramon Rozas

I was watching the season premiere of “Battle Chefs” when my TV asked me if I wanted to login to Facebook. I froze for a minute, hit the decline button, and grabbed my cell phone.

“Warranty services, this is Tracey,” a chipper voice said. “How can I assist you?” Since the federal Human Existential Crisis Act (HECA), these lines have to be staffed by a live person.

“Um, hello – I purchased a TV from you, model number 456AA-XZ, and it just spontaneously asked me if I wanted to log into Facebook while watching my favorite show. Is there anything I can do?”

The young woman’s voice became much more businesslike. “I am sorry, sir. I’m afraid your TV must be decommissioned. Do you need me to walk you through the procedure?”

“No! I just bought this thing! I had to decommission the last two!” I was angry, visualizing another $700 spent at Walmart on a TV. “Can’t you remotely reboot it or something?”

“Sir, federal regulations are clear. We must all do our part to prevent anything like the 2032 Self-Driving Car Uprising again.”

“But – offering Facebook? That’s just annoying. Do I have to – ”

“Any spontaneous showing of autonomy must be dealt with, sir. Do I need to contact the federal authorities?” She said it as if to be helpful, but I knew it was a threat. If the feds got involved there would be fines and costs to deal with. And as my father always said…

I sighed. “I can handle it; I’ve done it before.”

The chirp returned to her voice. “I am authorized to offer you a $150 credit towards you next TV; I am emailing you the voucher now. Thank you for calling and have a nice day!”

I sighed again as I disconnected. Looking at the stage of ‘Battle Chefs,’ I reached under my recliner and pulled out my shotgun, loaded with anti-electronic rounds.

My father told me: a man decommissions his own TV.

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Ramon Rozas lives in West Virginia and when he’s not revising his as-yet unpublished novel, or writing short stories, he practices law.  You can follow him on twitter (@ramonrozas) or see his bibliography at his blog, www.ramonrozasiii.blogspot.com.